~heavy sigh~

WELL, apparently my dad thought that because I had left out one of my journals last night he should read it -_- It's most likely an old one though because he said that there were complaints and a lof of "eff this eff that" stuff. The complaints were about mom, him, brothers, and (here's how I definitely know it's old) psychiatrists.

I haven't complained about one of those idiots since eighth grade, I think.

So he goes into this little speech about if I had died and that was what I left behind, then people would feel bad about it for a little while, but then they'd forget about it and eventually they'd forget about me and how bad that'd probably make me feel if I would know that they forgot.

Because supposedly if all I do is leave behind bad memories then all I'll bring up is bad memories and nobody wants that.

So then Dad says that I should just leave behind the happy ones.

Happy ones?

The only way I can make about 80% of my memories/events happy is by doing this:

"I WENT TO SCHOOL TODAY AND HAD A FIGHT WITH GRACE! YAY~!

"I WENT TO SCHOOL AND CAME HOME WITH ALL A'S AND A B THAT I ONLY GET IF I MAKE MYSELF MISERABLE! YAY~!"

"I JUST GOT YELLED AT BY MATT FOR SOMETHING STUPID ABOUT STRIDER! YAY~!"

Seriously, only 20% of my memories are happy. Everything else is basically just rant rant rant cry cry cry punch something throw my pillow slam my head against a textbook et cetera et cetera ET CETERA!

I leave behind the bad things because that's basically all I have left to leave behind.

If I wrote in my journal about the happy things, then I'd only have about five entries a year...

"I had a really good day today, but it went by so fast that I don't remember anything about it."

"I celebrated Aliss's birthday today with her and a few friends. We all went to Top of the Park, had ice cream, and watched Mama Mia. At the end credits we all stood up and danced around and had fun."

"I played video games with Lili and Nami all day today. We had a lot of fun and laughed together, even if it was a pain in the ass fighting Tabu (the last boss in Adventure Mode for Super Smash Brothers Brawl)."

"I had a really cool dream last night. For some crazy-ass reason there was a Xiaolin Showdown going on in my backyard... I ended up running outside with this girl from my school with a video camera... What the hell."

If you haven't noticed, I can't write down happy memories as well as bad ones. I wish it could be the other way around, because those memories are actually much much MUCH happier than they seem.

To be honest, I can't write a happy memory and put as much emotion into it that I can put into a bad one. Probably because if I write down only happy memories and a few bad ones, it probably could get frightfully boring.

Don't get me wrong: I can write down something happy, sure, but only if it's fictional.

Like this part from my PPG fanfic:

Snake curled up on the couch and closed his eyes, which made Lacy want to squee at how cute he looked when he was sleeping. But, she held back the high-pitched squeal and curled up next to him, thankful that the couch was so wide. Snake peeped one eye open and blushed as Lacy curled up so close to him. He carefully wrapped his arms around her and waited for Lacy's quiet breathing to lull him to sleep.

That's happy, or at least cute... Well I think it is anyways.

Now, on the part about people forgetting me for only leaving behind bad memories, all I have to say is this:

"Your heart is a slave to your memory." [quoted from Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories]

That can be a good thing though, if you remember the times when I smiled and laughed and had a good time.

And even if you don't remember them, then at least I will in whatever lies beyond the grave. Because if you don't remember, then maybe it's best that I'm forgotten.

Sorry, I don't mean to make everyone sad by posting this; I just wanted to let it out in some way so that my dad can't see it (at least not now) and no one can try to ask me questions in between and make me lose my train of thought.